don't use the buddha to justify lack of compassion

that's all i really have to say.

i get sick to my stomach. there was and is the addiction...that's mental fantasy world overlay covering the true intimacy and love and connection that was and still is there...for me. though he says he doesn't need relationship i know that's bullshit. though he says if you aren't addicted to the excitement, don't need what people get out of relationship then you just don't need it. connection, acceptance, sharing our lives and hearts openly with others, this is part of being human. sure the excitement...we don't need. that wasn't really relationship that was diversion and romance. the chance is to let this fall away and stay...with what we're feeling and what we're experiencing through the change to see how we can show up more real and true and stay in love. but this is me arguing with reality, with life, because what is happening is he does not love me. i am lovable and he does not love me. okay. as much as i want to hold on to him...not even the dream, just missing the openness and humor and play that flowered between us from the start....i see this is gone. he has left. i need to stop leaving myself in trying to fix or change what is. what is is what is and i must love it. even as my heart feels gashed open and bleeding...really. i never jumped in so fully into naked true love and vulnerability and unabashedly showed myself...good and bad. does this mean i am too bad...i drove him away. my mind tells me...if only i had said done or not said done then he might be here. but he's not here and he doesn't love me. i can love him and be grateful for the deep connection intimacy and sweetness we shared, can mourn the loss of his beautiful body close to mine, the loss of feeling part of his family when i met them, the loss of trust and sharing all of our thoughts and dreams and daily musings. it's back to what is always here when all else falls away (and all else does fall away): NOW. and i thank my dear friend D for meditating with me this evening and reminding me of who I am. i am coming home. i also found such a beautiful home in the space where my heart and his heart met. i appreciated his brilliant mind, playful energy, openness to strangers, his warmth and compassion. may you be free and at peace.