wow

it is a surprise to me how good and free i feel without any hair. friends helped me shave it off this evening. it is a relief. i am feeling into this body, this honest face, seeing from the backs of my wet eyes, space all around, holding me. i am going to take a walk and go to bed. prepare for ecstatic dance tomorrow a.m.
love
grateful to my hair for this gift this process this seeing myself more clearly for being here and being willing to leave
grateful to my friends. ashley, wyatt, bob, mark for being present and bhavani and kerry for here in spirit.

there is this closing over vulnerability i feel it is a stance of "i get it" or even a stance of emotional of vulnerable as an idea rather felt sense in the body

when i am not in my heart me judges vulnerability in others...and myself
caught myself before the hook a few times today


i also must say that i have felt incredible spaciousness this past week...just feeling amazing love in the realization of what freedom we have to be as we are 


what a miracle at the endless creativity of life showing up in the most surprising and crazy ways and without any resistance reality ALLOWS ALL IS ALL wow

demon of not-good-enough/need approval blue skin drowning black tar drips from greedy mouth decaying teeth arms flailing drinks my nectar of Worthiness, Importance, Being Held

went through the Chod practice as adapted by Tsultrim Allione in Feeding Your Demons.  I had tape recorded myself giving the verbal instructions for the stages so that I could be guided through it the first few times without having to break the inner focus and dialogue with my demon by referring to the book. I kept avoiding the practice out of nervousness...and skepticism, a bit. Today it just came that it was the right moment to go into the practice. So the tape recording was there and very helpful. And the process was very powerful. I met my demon, and it was especially interesting to sit in his place and see me sitting opposite and feel what the demon was needing with compassion for the demon because I became him and had his pain and so then when I returned to my body and started dissolving it into the nectar that would feed him the feelings he said would be the outcome of getting needs met, it felt like love and surrender and instead of the fear and dread I had in thinki  ng about this step when read the book, it felt very tender and loving when he was drinking the liquid i became. and then he was fulfilled and disappeared. my ally...didn't immediately appear. imagination called up various creatures who kept answering no when I asked are you my Ally. finally i saw a young monk in saffron robe who told me a name i could call upon to access him but i cannot remember and that doesn't seem important but he said he would help by Reminding me, Guiding me, and would offer protection of holding me in the stream of Divine Love. 


i have been reading Reggie Ray's book Touching Enlightenment, which Wyatt gave me for my birthday. I hadn't picked it up and forgot all about it until Wyatt then emailed me a little online teaching with Ray that includes a meditation that is body-centered. The book is great! The writing really resonates, the voice feels so close and intimate. I was also noticing the connections with David Abram's Spell of the Sensuous and how this is embodied spirituality that brings us into our wild animal bodies to better sense the interconnectedness of all Life, ALL, US. i am so called to do this work and so long for a teacher. i am grateful for Judith and for Adya and want to go deeper in the body, and make my commitment run through every moment of my life. i found a Meditating with the Body training through Ray's organization, Dharma Ocean and feel lots of YESness about it.


peace

CLARITY

purple
gold

forgive me
for i have sinned


sinned is "missed the mark"
according to eckhart tolle
to me, it is missed the point
was giving primacy to the me
living for a phantom
the ghost that i feed and pretend is real
instead of living for the heart
in integrity
cut off by meanness stinginess projecting my shadow self on my teacher
on every friend and enemy
so easy to escape my reality
here i am here i am devoted dear mother
i surrender now

i want attention

for being NOBODY


but the font still needs to be trebuchet because this nobodys cares how her typeface looks


who cares?
i don't know shit and i never have especially when i say i do know

i want this thing

that doesn't exist
to be liked

so much that i am willing to LIE

no turning back

on the way to feed kitties, not far from my former farm home a young fox dead in the middle of the road. small body long snout up open mouth like trying to breathe or say something the soft red brown coat looks healthy and alive, a recent casualty of a car. i wonder if it is one of the babies i watched grow up outside my my window. hand goes to heart. sad.

sad has been the mood. it's this constant in my life from the disease of not enough, never satisfied, seeking seeking seeking. i see Being as this possibility in the future or elsewhere. when i was at retreat with Adya i was just totally in Life with Life and unwanting or able to see the wanting immediately for what it was. it seemed to be such a possibility that i could create this in daily life...the primacy of existence of Being over doing over looking over thinking over getting caught up in the person's little stingy selfish concerns and desires and aversions. was reading Pema Chodron last night. she shared about the kleshas as the drug pusher..."Even when we find ourselves saying, 'I don't want to give up my kleshas," at least we're being honest." and that was totally my experience at Adya's retreat...i saw how much pleasure i derived from false hope, desire, and daydreaming and i reached this conclusion that--even though life was blissful in silence--that the promise of love of relationship of finding meaningful, purposeful work was still alluring enough to stay part way in the dream, that it allowed for passion and imagination and excitement. there is no part way, though. and choosing kleshas? well, life has shown me what that's like...it's more delusion and disillusion. am i ready to truly kick the habit? "No outer foe will ever plague us as much as our own kleshas." Ain't that the truth!

from the Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva

4.33-35

All other foes that I appease and wait upon
Will show me favors, give me every aid,
But should I serve my dark defile emotions,
They will only harm me, draw me down to grief.

Therefore, if these long-lived, ancient enemies of mine,
The wellspring only of increasing woe,
Can find their lodging safe within my heart,
What joy or peace in this world can be found?

And if the jail guards of the prisons of samsara,
The butchers and tormentors of infernal realms,
All lurk within me in the web of craving,
What joy can ever be my destiny?

as Pema puts it: "we create our own infernal realms: our personal hells are interdependent with our klesha-ridden minds...if we give safe lodging to neurosis, then how can we expect to result in joy?"

this is resonating nicely with Feeding Your Demons, especially how Tsultrim Allione talks about Demons that show up as positive emotions...that's my addiction. this sense of falling in love. my own suffering is so seductive! i just remembered a time i went to Judith for support--was really in suffering then, during the job search plus lots pain around my story, blah blah and she asked me point blank if i wanted to stop. i didn't answer or i lied...really i wasn't ready to stop suffering. that familiar pattern is the grounding...to go into groundlessness???

i want to assess my life situation and the choices i am making to see how they contribute to Being and Love and how they hinder. and my work schedule, nia classes and commitments to activities. is it the best way to serve truth?

1. getting enough SLEEP
2. disconnecting from internet
3. taking a daily walk
4. daily sit
5. balanced healthy meals
6. building high quality friendships with people
goal:
learn Nia routine: Alive

i am looking forward to working one on one in moving psychotherapy/continuum. it has been painful to feel my own resistance to life. how i hold back from giving myself fully over to the moment, fully inhabiting the body, inhabiting my power. i feel myself hiding and it hurts. and it's how i end up in relationships that don't serve me because it's not me who is putting myself out there it is the carefully crafted me that will be liked by the object of desire. what a fool's game. i am finished. Shantideva will slay the foe with compassion, Allione says feed them. yes, there's no turning back.