"We become mindful by abandoning our expectations about the way we think things should be and, out of our mindfulness, we begin to develop awareness about the way things really are."
seeing the struggle of mind attaching to what it prefers, pushing away what it doesn't want and craving what it does...in the happy transition of union is also fear and anxiety. instead of trying to solve the anxiety or get rid of the fear can i be here with all of it...instead of creating a story or a problem with thoughts that could invent 10 million causes for my discomfort and 10 million solutions for rearranging...the truth is anicca. impermanence. this too shall pass. what i was experiencing last week is gone, yesterday, the day before all dead. today each moment unfolding i can stay in the fear of the loss while missing the new or let go and accept what is.
i am supposed to complete 10 hours of analytical meditation on impermanence. here is where it starts...the real life experience of change, falling away, death of a moment, death of a feeling, death of a form...rising is another moment, another feeling, another form and these will perish, too. as will i. i saw some stretched out wizened skin on my body, near throat neck chest and could see my aging my changing my dying and decay, i am not how i picture myself still sometimes as a little girl or young woman long hair i get surprised when i look in the mirror sometimes.
space
freedom
are these conditional? my mind is making them so. when they are not. can i let go of my notions of these?
what is it i need when the anxiety and confusion comes in...the overwhelm of not knowing where to put my energy on him on me on us on dancing on dressing on connecting how to live spontaneously as life well it's impossible to do otherwise but i have preference for feeling a flow of action coming from centeredness and being that seems off-kilter...perspective though: it's been 1 day. 1 day of off-kilter...dance and move through the change..or fumble and fall and trip through the change. it's all okay. blessedly and beautifully okay with Love and Acceptance and Commitment as the ground of this change.
thankful for the practice!
