my wise friend broke it down

when we met he was saying (exuberantly, emphatically, constantly) with his words actions and being:

see me
i see you
i want you to see me
i want to see you

that is the most beautiful way to meet
and so hearts opened, revealing unabashedly to each other

now he is saying (flatly, consistently) with his words actions and being:

don't see me
i don't see you
i don't want you to see me
i don't want to see you

that's what has changed
it is jarring, disorienting, confusing, and devastating to let someone in
so close
closer than close 
body and mind and heart
and then so suddenly they leave
so distant
more distant than distant
a barricade of Buddhist concepts keeping you out of their
body mind heart
"just let it go"
"don't hold on to what people say"
"everything is impermanent"
there is addiction
i admit
underneath is still the trust and openness
that the addiction would die
and the connection would still be there to hold us
but all my threads into him he cut
and they are flying around
looking for somewhere to anchor, to attach
and attachment is human
attachment to outcome is foolish
attachment to someone we love is developmentally natural and normal
the difficult thing is he left, closed down and made the decision alone
if we could have stayed with each other through the drop and then drifted as 2 parties continuing to participate equally in our dance
that would have been gentler
what's the point of this would have could have should have

it just fucking is
and life IS like that
doesn't always give you the gentler, kinder way
now the kindest possible thing is to take care of myself
see myself in the ways he could never see me
listen to the needs he was never able to hear despite stating them repeatedly
detox from the unhealthy addiction that made me stay even as he increasingly could not see or hear me
no need to idealize
he changed over and over again
the most painful change to my little girl is this one of being completely shut out
but the most painful change to adult vanessa was when i kept saying yes to the relationship over the signals my body and heart were giving me as i kept compromising my need for alone time, my need for stillness and quiet, my need for heart-centered right speech and my need to practice right view, my love of my sangha and my teacher, my love of dance and need to practice movement, my joy at self-expression that is not wholly centered around him.

adult vanessa thinks we could have worked it out if he wanted to, making healthy choices, not living together
adult vanessa also sees someone who doesn't want to be seen, who doesn't want to see, who cannot appreciate her kind loving open heart smarts and beauty
so fuck that.