i remember Adyashanti sharing a Zen koan in one of his talks--a bull passes through a window--the head, body, legs all go through but he gets stuck on his tail. i've had the feeling lately that i have one toe still in storyline, not quite committed to dharma as i still am hyptonitzed by false promises that the worldly life seems to promise.
Dzonsar Khyentse Rinpoche shares this lesson this way "Let's say we both are traveling in the desert, we are thirsty and then we see water. Actually we are looking at a mirage but we think it is water--because we are so thirsty that's what we want. It's such a long way away, but then, initially, both of us really want to go there. Then maybe one of us thinks, "No, this is not water this is just a mirace." That knowledge needs to be increased, or transmitted in our head. Once you have that, then you are renouncing the concept 'water,' but you are only renouncing the concept, you are not renouncing the water because there was never any water there anyway. So Buddhist renunciation should be understood this way--that you are renouncing something that does not even exist. It's not like the world is full of pleasure and great things and then you reluctantly have to give them up."
Well...this is my tail. Because i am not convinced. despite the suffering i've felt from grasping towards water that does not exist, there is still some part of my mind that believes the water is real. the happiness of relationship, the fulfillment of meaningful work in the world. transitory--the relationship and whatever delight it might bring, transitory the job and whatever sense of worth it might bring. i know this but don't fully accept it. Buddhism is drastic. the wisdom piece...Dzongsar Khyentse and Chogyam Trungpa --their teachings are drastic, uncompromising. And i see my hope clinging to itself...the me staying alive by believing in the mirage. i feel scared about truly letting go.
still, i am encouraged and inspired because if the direct path is too drastic and immediate for me to leap through window, tail and all, i have the Way of the Boddhisattva, the Mahayana teachings, which lead to the same drastic conclusion but with the smaller steps of diminishing self-importance and self-cherishing. so even if i don't abandon the sliver of hope that burns and longs for intimacy with another person, the Bodhisattva path asks of me to stop thinking of me and my and to focus on expressing natural generosity and compassion of the heart. please, purity of heart, guide me into the living truth, give up on self-love and give into love for all beings. it's like i am reluctant to give up the last shred of hope that my story might work out, in particular the romantic story, even though experience shows this is suffering, fixating on getting love, getting relationship.
Om Tare Tam Soha
