perspective

front porch new orleans jazz insect hum and buzz. friend coming soon for crepes, smooth batter in fridge waiting to be fried and filled with spinach, mushrooms, chevre or lemon and sugar or egg and ham and cheese. 


"standing in the shower thinking" & realizing it's not personal...it never was. the liking me and the not liking me, neither are personal.
the excitement over printer. over photography. over computer. here one day, gone the next.
it's the same. an object to express energy and enthusiasm over. here all the way one day, nauseatingly sickening to his brain the next. i am the same. an object. there was never really seeing me. maybe those first few days...maybe?


and as we became enmeshed...not the first week or two but within the first month, i felt myself betraying my heart and body...even spoke up a few times about feeling disturbed about colluding in making fun of people...there was a lightness about it sometimes...seeing oh...these people have lost their way and feeling even some compassion for their lostness. but unless i am enlightened, how can i speak about anyone else's experience? i am the same. totally lost and found, depending on when i remember, when i get into the moment and when i leave. and in the bonding through the rejection of others, of the world (similar to past codependence, including my father, the criticism of other bonded us as having a correct superior view, and i was worthy by association with the superior person i worshipped).  in the beginning of this relationship there was already the awareness i could easily turn into the rejected so i kept giving up myself to merge with his identity and beliefs...of course, in this i rejected myself because he never asked me to abandon anything. the momentum was so strong and i felt suffocated, no space, no quiet, no stillness.  


to think we know the Way more than others is lunacy and delusion! the Zen Teaching of the Bodhidharma distills to the essence, the simple...don't worhip a buddha to find buddha. and yet the mind can so easily worship itself when the ego reads these words. thinking we need no teacher. the teacher is not to be worshiped but to defer and surrender to the embodiment of the teachings in one who has more mastery over mind than myself. maybe Zen works for a different mindstream, but the Vajrayana path works to neutralize and bring down the primacy of mind and thought for me.


it's sad. really. i appreciate the intimacy in my life. i am learning to fall completely out of love with love and completely in love with reality, true intimacy with self, from which grows authentic spontaneous sharing of a moment with another. i have tasted this with friends of the dharma. this must be my focus. staying in sanity and love.

ouch

my heart

desperate

i know you have your own path

and i trust your choices

this is not to convince or influence you

but to give you the opportunity to feel some empathy for

Vanessa's experience

the word you used

when we were last on the phone

about me

desperation

you said you felt it coming from me

and it concerned you

yes, i admitted guiltily, desperation

another reason i caused you to leave, my mind cruelly told me

how did the same sincere expression of love we both had always shared freely now become desperation?

Well even if it is DESPERATION

Yes, i say!

it's okay,

it's natural

it comes. it goes.

welcome to being human being

i got so so close to you

and so I believed, 

from everything you expressed,

you to me

so I did feel deep intense sorrow grief and confusion when you swiftly pulled away

unable to communicate about our connection

sure, 

i fucked up

you fucked up

and

i saw how it could be fucking okay

on the other side

like all those times you said

we would walk through the fire

we would always be together

etc.

i felt, 

absolutely natural normal bewildering painful heartbreaking desperation

when I felt you walking away instead of through

it is traumatic to lose so intimate a connection

under such stressful circumstances

of course I felt desperate

we were bound beautifully

from our first meeting

yes, suffering arose

as is the nature of life

from an amazing number of compounding conditions

no one's fault

not even relationship's fault

so i believed we could reset and restart, easing in gently and carefully and mindfully

and "desperate" was one expression of this powerful and beautiful faith in us and our love

"desperate" was also the confusion and disconnect between what you had always said

and what you were doing

i mean, 

what the frack?!

so yes, desperate

desperately human

what do you think I would be feeling when you,

who so repeatedly and confidently assured me that our relationship would endure,

was choosing to leave it anyway?

sure, i understand it was a dream and so, being a dream, nothing was lost

and the way i lost myself in our connection there was so much to be gained in our parting

however, the experience as a human in love, in sweet connection with a such a rare and precious mind and heart is that of pain and sorrow when it is rejected so quickly

i know that I was not rejected

our commitment and connection and trust and intimacy were rejected

you once asked me to trust you.

we were laying in bed and you were crying.

you held me and pleaded with me to remember that you love me even if you couldn't always express it

so when the silence and distance fell between us

and you were in some weird hotel

and i was waiting to hear that you were okay

i was doing my best to trust 

to trust in your healing

to trust in my ability to show up in the way you needed

to trust in the love you told me was always there

and my trust showed up as grasping as surrender as breath as acceptance as tears as reading about bipolar as holding my breath as grief as confusion as fear and sometimes, as you felt, desperation.

In other words: as being human

and here is my heart

still trusting

totally in love with my perfect humanness, 

with my desperation.

in love with my gorgeously innocent being for bravely jumping in and opening myself to you, at the first moment of our sweet meeting

sharing with you my body, mind, heart

so genuinely

so authentically

so honestly

so tenderly

i did feel how i closed around us

just a habit of conditioning

yes my thoughts insist,

a slower pace could have allowed me to pay attention and intervene before the stress built up

and alone time would have reduced my moodiness and would have fostered reflection and healthy choices

it could have been the way we did relationship so intensely and quickly,

losing sight of the spaciousness with which we started

any relationship would get pushed to the edge in the context of such huge disruptions and shifts: the death of your mom, travel, moving, cohabitation

losing the self care

our codependency which we shared, together

still, everything happened perfectly

so i thank you

first in 

the realization of your pain from bipolar

then in the realization of our suffering 

then in the acceptance of our breaking up 

and in the release and letting go of our dream

my heart is getting the chance to love us more deepy

i am just feeling such compassion for me and for you 

and such love for all of us

on this ridiculous planet