perspective

front porch new orleans jazz insect hum and buzz. friend coming soon for crepes, smooth batter in fridge waiting to be fried and filled with spinach, mushrooms, chevre or lemon and sugar or egg and ham and cheese. 


"standing in the shower thinking" & realizing it's not personal...it never was. the liking me and the not liking me, neither are personal.
the excitement over printer. over photography. over computer. here one day, gone the next.
it's the same. an object to express energy and enthusiasm over. here all the way one day, nauseatingly sickening to his brain the next. i am the same. an object. there was never really seeing me. maybe those first few days...maybe?


and as we became enmeshed...not the first week or two but within the first month, i felt myself betraying my heart and body...even spoke up a few times about feeling disturbed about colluding in making fun of people...there was a lightness about it sometimes...seeing oh...these people have lost their way and feeling even some compassion for their lostness. but unless i am enlightened, how can i speak about anyone else's experience? i am the same. totally lost and found, depending on when i remember, when i get into the moment and when i leave. and in the bonding through the rejection of others, of the world (similar to past codependence, including my father, the criticism of other bonded us as having a correct superior view, and i was worthy by association with the superior person i worshipped).  in the beginning of this relationship there was already the awareness i could easily turn into the rejected so i kept giving up myself to merge with his identity and beliefs...of course, in this i rejected myself because he never asked me to abandon anything. the momentum was so strong and i felt suffocated, no space, no quiet, no stillness.  


to think we know the Way more than others is lunacy and delusion! the Zen Teaching of the Bodhidharma distills to the essence, the simple...don't worhip a buddha to find buddha. and yet the mind can so easily worship itself when the ego reads these words. thinking we need no teacher. the teacher is not to be worshiped but to defer and surrender to the embodiment of the teachings in one who has more mastery over mind than myself. maybe Zen works for a different mindstream, but the Vajrayana path works to neutralize and bring down the primacy of mind and thought for me.


it's sad. really. i appreciate the intimacy in my life. i am learning to fall completely out of love with love and completely in love with reality, true intimacy with self, from which grows authentic spontaneous sharing of a moment with another. i have tasted this with friends of the dharma. this must be my focus. staying in sanity and love.