ululation

hair is on my head, "in full force" my friend/stylist said yesterday. growing everywhere. last may it started falling out...though it wasn't until june or july when i actually realized what was happening--since i always shed a lot of hair and still had a ton of hair, the first bald spot took a while to appear. what a ride! it was a great and gentle way of letting go. and yet i also feel happy when i see my hair now... those pangs of worry and sadness when showering and clumps of hair kept coming out...nothing more left to cover the head except scarves wigs hats. at the beach with Rob last summer...August, i think, and feeling less than free about my baldness...very unfemme. it was shortly after that A and friends helped me shave my head. i still have my hair for safe keeping. it left so something new could come in. spring time is a time of the world of form coming back after the stark emptiness of winter...returning from self-retreat into internal introspection painting and reading alone now i am getting pulled in all kinds of directions by all kinds of distraction. looking for balance to play in the world of form without getting attached or grasping to beauty and temptation...last night i went to prostration night at Won Buddhist Temple. it was just what i needed. so much more nourishing than a night at the weaver street pining for romance of which i have no prospects. what a tragic figure this "vanessa" character is...all alone. she had a man. she broke his heart. broke her own, too. forgive her, she knew not what she done did. emotionally reactive and insane, she was. now she's ready to be responsible. responsible for own feelings and loving to self and other. of course, there is no self and other just one. so when i stay one i win. when i look i lose. remember those SUB POP t-shirts, LOSER. i had one in 8th 9th grade. so cool. these image identities i have been through so tricky to not create another one. the Buddhist one now. oh, i meditate om and i am so aware...om. shimmy shimmy ya shimmy yam shimmy ya. just a liar this vanessa. just performing. will you like her? will you find her attractive? i don't want to play this game anymore. i want to see through and be seen through into truth and abide in silence and love. preferably with someone, a companion, a hot man, tuna.