Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Pema


THINK OF OTHERS
Sharing the heart is a simple practice that can be used at any time and in every situation. It enlarges our view and helps us remember our interconnection.

The essence of this practice is that when we encounter pain in our life we breathe into our heart with the recognition that others also feel this. It’s a way of acknowledging when we are closing down and of training to open up. When we encounter any pleasure or tenderness in our life, we cherish that and rejoice. Then we make the wish that others could also experience this delight or this relief.

In a nutshell, when life is pleasant, think of others. When life is a burden, think of others. If this is the only training we ever remember to do, it will benefit us tremendously and everyone else as well. It’s a way of bringing whatever we encounter onto the path of awakening bodhichitta.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

things that excite me


play this Saturday with L
upcoming trip to the beach with J and K
waves with Amara in Charlotte late September
Judith at the very end of September
jobs i applied for


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

overnight flight

& recovering from intermittent sleep. the air here feels extraaaaaa muggy after washington state freshness. soft moss on barefeet. wild green growing everywhere. ocean breezes. orca whales. sea lions. windy chill boating up towards canada. spectacular view of Mt. Baker. amazing food. fun times and conversation with Nej and Jamey. it is so easy to be around them. it felt like we were housemates again. i did get hit with some grief when we checked into a room overlooking Cascade Bay on Orcas Island...reminders of his connection to WA and all his gorgeous photographs of the northwest and of our stay at the beach in a similar space with a kitchen and view. but i am okay. cried a bit. it's all okay. i know what i was doing. i was loving and trusting jumping in with my heart open. to them, i was the fool who believed him. what seemed so obvious to his best friend, he was just manic not really in love...why didn't she tell me this earlier? what now seems so evident to him...oh, how stupid of you to actually believe anything i said was true. no point in rehashing their bullshit. i am just exhausted and kind of bummed to be back. i am going to apply for lots of jobs, though. it's all okay. loving me.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

i did just eat a banana

why do i continue to put more faith in samsara than the truth? i lost my taste for delusion but still find ways to add sugar, poison.

Lojong: How to Awaken Your Heart

By 
Pema Chödrön's new commentary on Atisha's famed mind-training slogans that use our dificulties and problems to awaken our hearts.

When I first read the lojong ("mind training") teachings in The Great Path of Awakening by the nineteenth-century Tibetan teacher Jamgön Kongtrül the Great, I was struck by their unusual message that we can use our difficulties and problems to awaken our hearts. Rather than seeing the unwanted aspects of life as obstacles, Jamgön Kongtrül presented them as the raw material necessary for awakening genuine uncontrived compassion. Whereas in Kongtrül's commentary the emphasis is primarily on taking on the suffering of others, it is apparent that in this present age it is necessary to also emphasize that the first step is to develop compassion for our own wounds. It is unconditional compassion for ourselves that leads naturally to unconditional compassion for others. If we are willing to stand fully in our own shoes and never give up on ourselves, then we will be able to put ourselves in the shoes of others and never give up on them. True compassion does not come from wanting to help out those less fortunate than ourselves but from realizing our kinship with all beings.

The lojong teachings are organized around seven points that contain fifty-nine pithy slogans that remind us how to awaken our hearts. Presented here are nineteen of those slogans.

First, train in the preliminaries.

The preliminaries are also known as the four reminders. In your daily life, try to 1) Maintain an awareness of the preciousness of human life. 2) Be aware of the reality that life ends; death comes for everyone. 3) Recall that whatever you do, whether virtuous or not, has a result; what goes around comes around. 4) Contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will suffer. Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don't want does not result in happiness.

Regard all dharmas as dreams.

Whatever you experience in your life—pain, pleasure, heat, cold or anything else—is like something happening in a dream. Although you might think things are very solid, they are like passing memory. You can experience this open, unfixated quality in sitting meditation; all that arises in your mind—hate love and all the rest—is not solid. Although the experience can get extremely vivid, it is just a product of your mind. Nothing solid is really happening.

Sending and taking should be practiced alternately. These two should ride the breath. 

This is instruction for a meditation practice called tonglen. In this practice you send out happiness to others and you take in any suffering that others feel. You take in with a sense of openness and compassion and you send out in the same spirit. People need help and with this practice we extend ourselves to them.

Drive all blames into one.

This is advice on how to work with your fellow beings. Everyone is looking for someone to blame and therefore aggression and neurosis keep expanding. Instead, pause and look at what’s happening with you. When you hold on so tightly to your view of what they did, you get hooked. Your own self-righteousness causes you to get all worked up and to suffer. So work on cooling that reactivity rather than escalating it. This approach reduces suffering—yours and everyone else’s.

Be grateful to everyone.

Others will always show you exactly where you are stuck. They say or do something and you automatically get hooked into a familiar way of reacting—shutting down, speeding up or getting all worked up. When you react in the habitual way, with anger, greed and so forth, it gives you a chance to see your patterns and work with them honestly and compassionately. Without others provoking you, you remain ignorant of your painful habits and cannot train in transforming them into the path of awakening.

All dharma agrees at one point.

The entire Buddhist teachings (dharma) are about lessening one’s self-absorption, one’s ego-clinging. This is what brings happiness to you and all beings.

Of the two witnesses, hold the principal one.

The two witnesses of what you do are others and yourself. Of these two, you are the only one who really knows exactly what is going on. So work with seeing yourself with compassion but without any self-deception.

Always maintain only a joyful mind. 

Constantly apply cheerfulness, if for no other reason than because you are on this spiritual path. Have a sense of gratitude to everything, even difficult emotions, because of their potential to wake you up.

Abandon any hope of fruition.

The key instruction is to stay in the present. Don’t get caught up in hopes of what you’ll achieve and how good your situation will be some day in the future. What you do right now is what matters.

Don’t be so predictable.

Do not hold a grudge against those who have done you wrong.

Don’t malign others.

You speak badly of others, thinking it will make you feel superior. This only sows seeds of meanness in your heart, causing others not to trust you and causing you to suffer.

Don’t bring things to a painful point.

Don’t humiliate people.

Don’t act with a twist.

Acting with a twist means having an ulterior motive of benefiting yourself. It’s the sneaky approach. For instance, in order to get what you want for yourself, you may temporarily take the blame for something or help someone out.

All activities should be done with one intention.

Whatever you are doing, take the attitude of wanting it directly or indirectly to benefit others. Take the attitude of wanting it to increase your experience of kinship with your fellow beings.

Whichever of the two occurs, be patient.

Whatever happens in your life, joyful or painful, do not be swept away by reactivity. Be patient with yourself and don’t lose your sense of perspective.

Train in the three difficulties.

The three difficulties (or, the three difficult practices) are 1) to recognize your neurosis as neurosis, 2) then not to do the habitual thing, but to do something different to interrupt the neurotic habit, and 3) to make this practice a way of life.

Don’t misinterpret.

There are six teachings that you might misinterpret: patience, yearning, excitement, compassion, priorities and joy. The misinterpretations are 1) You’re patient when it means you’ll get your way but not when your practice brings up challenges. 2) You yearn for worldly things but not for an open heart and mind. 3) You get excited about wealth and entertainment but not about your potential for enlightenment. 4) You have compassion for those you like and admire but not for those you don’t. 5) Worldly gain is your priority rather than cultivating loving-kindness and compassion. 6) You feel joy when your enemies suffer, but you do not rejoice in others’ good fortune.

Don’t vacillate.

If you train in awakening compassion only some of the time, it will slow down the process of giving birth to certainty. Wholeheartedly train in keeping your heart and mind open to everyone.

Train wholeheartedly.

Train enthusiastically in strengthening your natural capacity for compassion and loving-kindness. 

The article above has been excerpted from The Compassion Box by Pema Chödrön, © 2003. Published by arrangement with Shambhala Publications.
Pema Chödrön is a fully-ordained Buddhist nun and the resident teacher at Gampo Abbey in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. She is the author of The Wisdom of No EscapeStart Where You Are,When Things Fall Apart, The Places That Scare You and Comfortable With Uncertainty.
Lojong: How to Awaken Your HeartPema Chödrön, Shambhala Sun, September 2003. 

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


pink streaking across azure sky, gold purple tinted puffs of cloud & adorable call from 7 year old niece snapped me out of self-absorption! my niece called to talk to me....it was the sweetest little conversation and awesome to hear the difference in her level of engagement. so cool. have to pack for Washington state. things will heal. with time. my tender heart. om tare tam soha.

can't keep it in


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

giving


"There are many forms of hunger. There is the hunger for food, and there is a hunger for love, for purpose, for truth. There is the hunger for health, for happiness. There is the hunger for companionship, for inner peace, for the sense that we belong. There is a hunger for laughter, and there is a hunger for God. The hunger that lives in the human heart is part of the kinship that threads us all together. We are independent beings with a profound need to give and receive from each other. For what one of us is lacking, another has in abundance, whether that be a bowl of rice, a skill, a wisdom, a capacity for love, a knowledge, or a courageous heart. Our urges and our gifts, our longings and our offerings, are all needed and all are indispensable. If we are touched by the images of men, women, and children that we have seen starving for food, it is because they are a reflection of our own need. They are a reminder not only of that part of us that is hungry, but also of that part of us that needs to give in order to be whole." ~ John Robbins, "May All Be Fed"
It's then like a log you should remain.

pain body

this is my pain body
this is my pain body
this is my pain body


oaojjbkgtlbmg;

what?! it doesn't make sense
it can't
i can see how little he values our connection
the way he threw it away
it is insane, truly
to say a few days before how much he loves spending time with me
and then to disappear
without a trace
as if we never shared a connection
as if we never shared our hearts
as if we never shared our love
it is insane
and it really hurts

i know i am buddha nature beyond all stories and ideas
i am also human and feeling so much sadness and mourning of someone i felt so close to 
who has shut me out so completely
and treated me like i am nothing
or something to be discarded so easily
without a flicker of care or any hint of the intimacy we shared

i can only ask
please, the love that is bigger than me
the heart that opened fearlessly when i saw his face
that heart now please release me
let me go
into the love of that heart and fully feel that love for myself
treasuring the sweetness we shared and moving on
please give me the strength


Monday, August 13, 2012

it's so clear to me

that i don't want to be a librarian
now what?

weird blog formatting dumbness


Eternity


He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise. 


william blake on non-grasping


dharma teaching yesterday was using these three points to cut through habits of mind

1. recognition...i have tasted presence, buddha mind and know that to be my true nature

2. decision...to return here, continually bringing myself back

3. confidence...that i can liberate myself from suffering

this is very helpful now, in the thick of crazy thoughts and emotional pain


the trick is remember these 3 points in times of joy

had i been practicing with as much sincerity and fervency as i am when motivated for want to be free of suffering during the happy beginnings the addiction could not have set in...i changed loyalty to the feelings of being loved and in relationship. from the buddha to  my body with another (bodies that are decaying) from the dharma to the desperation of getting that love i didn't receive as a child (only i/life can give) from the sangha to the senses (temporary and deceptive)

good news is it's not too late to go back now to now

:)


For when, with irreversible intent, The mind embraces bodhichitta, Willing to set free the endless multitudes of beings, In that instant, from that moment on, a great and unremitting stream, A strength of wholesome merit, Even during sleep and inattention, Rises equal to the vastness of the sky. -Shantideva 

the passage i had memorized several months ago.  how perfect.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

my wise friend broke it down

when we met he was saying (exuberantly, emphatically, constantly) with his words actions and being:

see me
i see you
i want you to see me
i want to see you

that is the most beautiful way to meet
and so hearts opened, revealing unabashedly to each other

now he is saying (flatly, consistently) with his words actions and being:

don't see me
i don't see you
i don't want you to see me
i don't want to see you

that's what has changed
it is jarring, disorienting, confusing, and devastating to let someone in
so close
closer than close 
body and mind and heart
and then so suddenly they leave
so distant
more distant than distant
a barricade of Buddhist concepts keeping you out of their
body mind heart
"just let it go"
"don't hold on to what people say"
"everything is impermanent"
there is addiction
i admit
underneath is still the trust and openness
that the addiction would die
and the connection would still be there to hold us
but all my threads into him he cut
and they are flying around
looking for somewhere to anchor, to attach
and attachment is human
attachment to outcome is foolish
attachment to someone we love is developmentally natural and normal
the difficult thing is he left, closed down and made the decision alone
if we could have stayed with each other through the drop and then drifted as 2 parties continuing to participate equally in our dance
that would have been gentler
what's the point of this would have could have should have

it just fucking is
and life IS like that
doesn't always give you the gentler, kinder way
now the kindest possible thing is to take care of myself
see myself in the ways he could never see me
listen to the needs he was never able to hear despite stating them repeatedly
detox from the unhealthy addiction that made me stay even as he increasingly could not see or hear me
no need to idealize
he changed over and over again
the most painful change to my little girl is this one of being completely shut out
but the most painful change to adult vanessa was when i kept saying yes to the relationship over the signals my body and heart were giving me as i kept compromising my need for alone time, my need for stillness and quiet, my need for heart-centered right speech and my need to practice right view, my love of my sangha and my teacher, my love of dance and need to practice movement, my joy at self-expression that is not wholly centered around him.

adult vanessa thinks we could have worked it out if he wanted to, making healthy choices, not living together
adult vanessa also sees someone who doesn't want to be seen, who doesn't want to see, who cannot appreciate her kind loving open heart smarts and beauty
so fuck that.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

don't use the buddha to justify lack of compassion

that's all i really have to say.

i get sick to my stomach. there was and is the addiction...that's mental fantasy world overlay covering the true intimacy and love and connection that was and still is there...for me. though he says he doesn't need relationship i know that's bullshit. though he says if you aren't addicted to the excitement, don't need what people get out of relationship then you just don't need it. connection, acceptance, sharing our lives and hearts openly with others, this is part of being human. sure the excitement...we don't need. that wasn't really relationship that was diversion and romance. the chance is to let this fall away and stay...with what we're feeling and what we're experiencing through the change to see how we can show up more real and true and stay in love. but this is me arguing with reality, with life, because what is happening is he does not love me. i am lovable and he does not love me. okay. as much as i want to hold on to him...not even the dream, just missing the openness and humor and play that flowered between us from the start....i see this is gone. he has left. i need to stop leaving myself in trying to fix or change what is. what is is what is and i must love it. even as my heart feels gashed open and bleeding...really. i never jumped in so fully into naked true love and vulnerability and unabashedly showed myself...good and bad. does this mean i am too bad...i drove him away. my mind tells me...if only i had said done or not said done then he might be here. but he's not here and he doesn't love me. i can love him and be grateful for the deep connection intimacy and sweetness we shared, can mourn the loss of his beautiful body close to mine, the loss of feeling part of his family when i met them, the loss of trust and sharing all of our thoughts and dreams and daily musings. it's back to what is always here when all else falls away (and all else does fall away): NOW. and i thank my dear friend D for meditating with me this evening and reminding me of who I am. i am coming home. i also found such a beautiful home in the space where my heart and his heart met. i appreciated his brilliant mind, playful energy, openness to strangers, his warmth and compassion. may you be free and at peace.