vanessa looks cute with a hat
nevermind that missing hair
it isn't missing it's just not there
who says it's supposed to be?

i am in a cafe listening to what's this track??? "a dedication" by washed out
it's fitting my melancholy, something i've PERFECTED: melancholy melon collie
i feel sleepy relaxed i slept on the sand this afternoon after reading a bit of my book,
Black Swan Green, a beautifully written book, touching, aching in its awkward portrayal of teenage boyhood
i have been lucky with books, lately, yes. splashed in the choppy waters swallowed more salt, loved those pelicans madly! no dolphin sightings today. the idea is ITP: the institute of transpersonal psychology. maybe it will help me stay in remembrance and i won't fall out of myself into a dream, into romance. there's something...below the throat above the heart...it feels like loneliness and has a little story that says "i am alone. i will always be alone." there's a sadness and a almost out of breath feeling there. on the verge of crying too tired to cry giving up. my hand is there now. diving in it moves deeper into the gut and feels 6 years old sad where are my stuffed animals? where's my little soft blanket with pastel bears dancing? where's my bedroom, door closed alone the only safety. tearing tearing tugging tugging.

here's an Osho nugget posted on fb today.




"Falling in love you remain a child; rising in love you mature. And by and by love becomes 


not a relationship, it becomes a state of your being... Whatsoever is happening, you give 


your love to it. You touch a rock and you touch as if you are touching your beloved’s body. 


You look at the tree and you look as if you are looking at your beloved’s face. It becomes a 


state of being. Not that you are in love — now you ARE love. This is rising, this is not 


falling." -Osho


songs of the sea...oceania, sea talk, ritual union...a new playlist in the works?