it's cold and i am at the beach and that's totally okay cuz it gives me a veg out do nothing day in a different way then the do nothing days on the sand with book in hand (read The Invisible Wall = amazing! and Life on Land = inspiring and started Black Swan Green = beautiful) so i am contemplating my paths...seeing this library gig is totally doable financially secure and stable and supportive emotionally of my need to contribute and connect in the world and also giving me the foundation i need to go out and explore a bit i know i know i have 2 masters degrees but these were then, previous life from which i still carry financial debt but if i were to go to school for the first time based on my own actual genuine passions and interests it would be Transpersonal Psychology. but is it viable? reasonable? practical? hmmm....interesting queries...i don't know! i am exploring options and staying open. it is clear librarian is not life path. do i need a degree yet again? not sure. maybe, maybe not. self-awareness is what i know. self-knowledge, that's a passion. relationships, that's what i care about. how to turn this into a career? i don't know! i care about people but i don't really care so much about library. i am in my element the most these days when i am teaching Nia and when i am holding space for someone in pain or feeling whatever they are feeling. my strengths are unconditional acceptance and listening. not organization of information and management systems snore. yet here i am...and i tried the Story Time thing...i need lessons in how to ham it up. i was feeling distraught because i of my PERSONAL PROBLEMS as i let drama (Enneagram #4...remember???) take over.
1. romantic fairytale
2. looking for rescuer
3. addicted to pain of wanting someone who doesn't want me
4. how satisfying the false hope of getting a withholder to release and love...staying in the longing
5. forgetting who i am and giving away my power
6. needing something from someone else they aren't giving me
7. idealizing the "prince" and setting myself up for disappointment
8. losing my way
9. prioritizing getting the "love" from the unprincely withholding prince over taking care of needs (food, sleep) and my responsibilities (focus at work)
10. making someone feel like they are wrong
11. placing demands for a particular kind of way of being loved, cared for which makes me oh so alluring!!!
this is a list of? my habits and patterns and sillies
love me anyway! scheduled therapy and made some sounds Es and Os based on Emilie Conrad's book that did shift me, made a collage that loved me, made a mix called Story of a Summer Romance that captures my penchant for the dramatic and my ridiculousness of falling for the first heel that expresses interest without discernment just because i so desperately NEED that validation when that old wound comes alive and then there are those times when i feel total whole happy GRATEFUL for AMAZING friends, my INCREDIBLE home, the BEAUTY of life around me...and for NOTHING at all
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