writing

i haven't been here in awhile. 


here i am. 


not sure why?


really. 


i wrote a letter today. to a dear friend. in it i said i want to be more authentic, more transparent, more honest, more vulnerable. i love to meet another soul from this space...of heart, with a willingness to be unprotected, unguarded, and to express feelings of insecurity, of fear, of being human. i've heard that voice come out of me, the defended one, the authoritative one, the mind made up one, the critical one. i was reading the book for our book group yesterday and noticed how often my sense of self, that false identity i say i've seen through yet still drives my opinions and preferences has me making my mind about something, dismissing or disregarding an idea or a story before i've ever considered it, because i already "know" which is ridiculous. how could i possibly until i am that person having that experience? i really could use more humility, curiosity, and beginner's mind. because really, i don't know. i have no idea. nothing repeats itself, each moment is different. each experience and perspective. so how much more enjoyment in life i gain by letting go of control and remaining open to the unknown instead of feigning a false and arrogant closed off answer. really, what could be more stimulating than engaging in the ambiguity and mystery of life and amazing variety of experiences? what could be more free than hearing everything for what it is, really being able to listen without taking it personally or needing it fit into my perspective. what could be more empathetic than understanding a view vastly different than my own? this train of thought came from my near dismissal of the content of the book we were reading...deciding too easily and lazily that i didn't like the book not really grappling with any of its themes or tensions but having a facile response that sounds smart. i am good at coming up with that and killing my own joy of learning and connecting. i got through college that way...sounding smart. writing smart and what i learned was how to write to impress but did not learn what i really thought or felt and how to express myself truly. that was too risky... humbled softened by life is good. excited to read/listen/sense with a new-found openness.


i think it is bed time...i have been low energy zombie like this weekend but always get more energetic when it's late. really need to take care of myself. i feel happy. goodnight.


song...i go away