ahhh! i am really missing my beautiful long locks of healthy flowing hair...body, what's happening??? why you not happy? why my hair keep falling out??? sigh. having some sadness seeing old photos & how much hair i had. feeling the thinness and lightness of my mane. remembering how free i once felt wearing my hair down. loving myself unconditionally, letting go of ego attachment to my thick feminine hair, getting used to and sick of scarves and pinned up tresses. how I long to have that hair grow and flow again! my most prized possession...it was the center of my sense of feeling pretty, beautiful-- my hair...now it feels like sad straw and more and more coming out...cry cry cry. 


need to load more stuff in the van i'm using to move to Hillsborough...tomorrow....still in denial. i mean, i am going to love it. the house is amazing...the yard...the quietness...the peace...the walkability...my landlady now friend. friends to help me today and tomorrow morning, thankful for them. i am feeling laze lax in sort of a state of denial. i really will miss my wonderful housemate friend companion brother so much even though i think it will be healthier for me to have my own space...and certainly an insulated one. but this land and this house is truly magical and gorgeous and this was a fertile & intense year...lots of gloom in my bedroom and also lots of transformation and stripping down to the raw real me. this space held me in a weird way even the cold shivery days and nights held, even midwifed, encouraged, my deep pain and confusion, which were needed, necessary, had to come out finally, had to be Seen and loved and embraced like the girl i was rejected and throwing tantrums with my stuffed animals thrown in the shower with all my clothes punished spanked with towels for crying and it's okay to break down and cry and to Need and to ask for help and to feel sad and lonely and hurt and angry. and the resolution...still resolving. a big moment was when my therapist started yelling on my behalf, inviting me to join her in the rage, helping me to generate that and release it myself, all that had been built up, held in, not expressed, really seeing the insanity of the family, really seeing it and know it's not my fault and i don't have to carry shame for being rejected by the logic of this family, for being not good enough. to see how perfect and good i really am as i am.


so in love with the Austra album. there's a sonic warmth and emotional intensity of the voice and piano juxtaposed with haunting sinister beats. the music moves me!