hungry

why you got hungry ghost? he asked me. why, why? it is such a habit! it is so strong. the strongest...a cycle of making myself bad, unworthy, then looking for redemption or rescue from outside, then apologizing for the whole thing and admitting my flawed thinking when i knew it all along but seem to use to for attention...like the thinking i am bad is a way to prove i am good. to admit fault and apologize must have been a way i felt loved. admitting my short-comings. i can remember sulking in my room alone and knowing if i cried in remorse hard enough for being bad and repented then i would be good again from all my regret. i am not 7 or 8 years old anymore.

can i just forget the whole thing and stop fabricating these short-comings and submitting to these false feelings...the neediness. it's not real. i have no neediness. when i was single sure, i longed for relationship sometimes, but really was well-practiced in feeling the longing and using it to connect to heartful presence. i did not suffer. why i create suffering now in this beautiful relationship with another? another who is so generous and kind. relationship is so hard! i found it easier to be alone, of course. so in awe of the connection, so moved by the intimacy, so grateful for the understanding joy love play and so scared i am fucking it up with my pattern of wanting, craving, addiction to attention and specialness, my way of feeling loved by another. when did i shift that burden to someone else...that is the very thing that causes the wanting...because it is up to me. and not me, really. it is not up to anyone, it is given away, to the moment, in letting go and then it is found to already be there. i found it a million times before. i am learning to do relationship in a new way...my conditioning is going against what i know to be true...and that hurts when i follow the conditioning. such a compelling powerful habit. and then brain asks, then this train of thought creeps up which is actually the ghost in DISGUISE!!! "who wants to be with a hungry ghost? you are messing it all up, he's going to leave you, you always do this, so NEEDY, you are a fraud, you can talk the Buddhist talk but you live like a regular needy girl! he will see how crazy you are and difficult just like all the others and leave you." well, i have been alone and can be again, but is that true? only if i make it true.

i want to handle this tenderly and carefully as there is a caring and sweet man who is here sharing a home, opening his heart.  i made a vow when i wrote my letter, that i would be in it to win it...awakening in relationship. i want to be more diligent and attentive to catch when the cycle starts...to the subtle thoughts and feelings, before i am swept in, up, drinking the hallucinogenic water and creating stories of disconnection, lack, or unloveableness. it's stupid. he said last week that this is small love and that it takes patience to have the true love, the ultimate not relative. yes, i know there is the Love i could experience with him if i would just STOP. stop it all. the trap is creating problems, or believing a train of thought that is untrue but pumps me with the juice of unlovability so that i can then get the feeling of being loved, but it just builds and builds...like proven loveable once, find a bigger challenge to loving me, until it is proven true, HA! i am unloveable. i went through this already. i know that ghost is unloveable. no, not unloveable...ultimately not real. the ghost is just pretending to exist and is a distraction. it is the feeding of the ghost that makes it seem real. and this...these confessional posts where i see my pattern and shit...even this is part of the trick the trap, as i get goodie star points for being so self-aware and honest about falling down falling asleep. here i am feeling bad about all of this and that makes me feel good. STOP.

one thought leads to another leads to another like i worry i'm annoying then i worry what is really annoying is that i think i'm annoying. seven layer cake of self-consciousness...it comes and goes. i have a stretch of several days of feeling light and free and playful and then heavy negative thoughts come for a day or two. pay attention. sit on your cushion. watch the breath. this morning i labelled everything that pulled me away from my focal point beneath the nostrils, the touch of breath above my lip as "thinking" or "sinking" for thought mental monkey mind loops or laziness/sleep/depression. this is what i devote myself to...no bullshit no "good" Buddhist performance no talking about how much i get it only sitting, breathing, meditating, practice, practice, practice, for the benefit of me, my relationship, and all beings.

to me, my lover is such a living example of freedom, lightness with/acceptance of his own humanity. the freedom to be flawed makes the flaws insubstantial and insignificant, my identification, attachment to dwelling on my flaws makes them dense and the suffering palpable. he inspires me to be so many things. mostly, my true no self. also, to live more simply and quietly and with less activity or belongings, which i was actually doing more before we met! just seems like things have sped up since spring hit...this winter was so quiet slow full of solitude. sometimes i miss the solitude but am still speechless that i have met such a kindred loving heart who wants to play. stay in play, vanaynay. stop the worrayayayay. metta.