nightmare

awake 3:50am and nervous to go back to sleep for the images i have seen and fear i felt during my dream. i wondered as i crept out into the dark hallway anxious to turn on the light how much conditioning needs to be stripped down until i can remain totally unmoved, unshaken, equanimous with demons and devilish scenes and the prospect of my own death--or maybe the dying not the death because as C recently said to me, death is easy it is the dying that is scary and for me a mystery. when violent images come up, of course the body and brain contract, move toward self-preservation. this is to be human, animal, natural...not something i need to suppress. but there is a difference between a rope and a snake and when will something false stop making me afraid? i have been awoken more frequently lately by 3am sounds and disturbances. i feel okay being up. no resistance to that. the only suffering were the moments trapped in belief of the realness of the dream. same as waking...when i believe what i am experiencing is lasting, ultimately true, or identify with it, i suffer. whether it is a violent man stalking me in sleeping dream or the most pleasant experience in waking dream. attachment to a feeling of love, connection, excitement, and trying to recreate it missing what is happening now and the connection in being in that totally as it naturally arises. today i noticed stinginess with my time, leaving the moment into "I" thoughts when I perceived "I" was being held up, delayed past my duties and wanted to go, in fact, was leaving in my mind and body while someone spoke with me...or it was kind of a dance of me asking myself "can i really listen to her now...just what she is saying right now in this moment?"  while feeling the tug and pull of a "me" with things to do, places to go. for the most part, i was able to keep letting go while staying aware of this "me"-ness coming up. i also have been stingy with things and money...in my brain though i practice letting go as I watch others use or enjoy the things that "cost me" and feel myself GIVING it up, giving it away even while the contraction remains, clenches, and releases, clenches, releases. it's a fun game we play...the Me with the Seeing. feeling very supported in my relationship. feeling very supported by returning to the basics...what the Buddha taught nothing extra esoteric.  http://www.urbandharma.org/udharma4/mpe.html

incredibly grateful for love, lover, loving and our now together home.