on the way to feed kitties, not far from my former farm home a young fox dead in the middle of the road. small body long snout up open mouth like trying to breathe or say something the soft red brown coat looks healthy and alive, a recent casualty of a car. i wonder if it is one of the babies i watched grow up outside my my window. hand goes to heart. sad.
sad has been the mood. it's this constant in my life from the disease of not enough, never satisfied, seeking seeking seeking. i see Being as this possibility in the future or elsewhere. when i was at retreat with Adya i was just totally in Life with Life and unwanting or able to see the wanting immediately for what it was. it seemed to be such a possibility that i could create this in daily life...the primacy of existence of Being over doing over looking over thinking over getting caught up in the person's little stingy selfish concerns and desires and aversions. was reading Pema Chodron last night. she shared about the kleshas as the drug pusher..."Even when we find ourselves saying, 'I don't want to give up my kleshas," at least we're being honest." and that was totally my experience at Adya's retreat...i saw how much pleasure i derived from false hope, desire, and daydreaming and i reached this conclusion that--even though life was blissful in silence--that the promise of love of relationship of finding meaningful, purposeful work was still alluring enough to stay part way in the dream, that it allowed for passion and imagination and excitement. there is no part way, though. and choosing kleshas? well, life has shown me what that's like...it's more delusion and disillusion. am i ready to truly kick the habit? "No outer foe will ever plague us as much as our own kleshas." Ain't that the truth!
from the Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva
4.33-35
All other foes that I appease and wait upon
Will show me favors, give me every aid,
But should I serve my dark defile emotions,
They will only harm me, draw me down to grief.
Therefore, if these long-lived, ancient enemies of mine,
The wellspring only of increasing woe,
Can find their lodging safe within my heart,
What joy or peace in this world can be found?
And if the jail guards of the prisons of samsara,
The butchers and tormentors of infernal realms,
All lurk within me in the web of craving,
What joy can ever be my destiny?
as Pema puts it: "we create our own infernal realms: our personal hells are interdependent with our klesha-ridden minds...if we give safe lodging to neurosis, then how can we expect to result in joy?"
this is resonating nicely with Feeding Your Demons, especially how Tsultrim Allione talks about Demons that show up as positive emotions...that's my addiction. this sense of falling in love. my own suffering is so seductive! i just remembered a time i went to Judith for support--was really in suffering then, during the job search plus lots pain around my story, blah blah and she asked me point blank if i wanted to stop. i didn't answer or i lied...really i wasn't ready to stop suffering. that familiar pattern is the grounding...to go into groundlessness???
i want to assess my life situation and the choices i am making to see how they contribute to Being and Love and how they hinder. and my work schedule, nia classes and commitments to activities. is it the best way to serve truth?
1. getting enough SLEEP
2. disconnecting from internet
3. taking a daily walk
4. daily sit
5. balanced healthy meals
6. building high quality friendships with people
goal:
learn Nia routine: Alive
i am looking forward to working one on one in moving psychotherapy/continuum. it has been painful to feel my own resistance to life. how i hold back from giving myself fully over to the moment, fully inhabiting the body, inhabiting my power. i feel myself hiding and it hurts. and it's how i end up in relationships that don't serve me because it's not me who is putting myself out there it is the carefully crafted me that will be liked by the object of desire. what a fool's game. i am finished. Shantideva will slay the foe with compassion, Allione says feed them. yes, there's no turning back.
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