the intent of the session today was
Developing equanimity, Recognizing that all living Beings are our Mothers, Loving Kindness meditation, Equalizing self and others
Developing equanimity, Recognizing that all living Beings are our Mothers, Loving Kindness meditation, Equalizing self and others
we said some prayers--the Liberation Prayer and the Prayer of Meditation and then sat for 30 minutes. riffing off my earlier musings about how meditation whose goal is to focus is mentally taxing and exhausting, i noticed in my sit that meditation happened not when i focused but when i unfocused.
for me, focusing is shrinking around an object, closing in the field of awareness around an object, and is what causes headache and a sense of efforting. the meditation intro instructed us to return to the recognition that all living Beings are our Mothers. for me, Recognition is not a concept or a thought, certainly not rational or logical. it is a resting. it is an "oh, yeah!" feeling that holds all of me. i found that feeling in my belly and heart. a relaxing away from the thoughts and objects in mindstream, not as resistance or pushing away, but unfocusing into wide expansiveness, dropping down to the feeling of recognition in gut and chest...a warmth, softness and yet very stable and supported, strong, too. and then mind is free to do as it pleases within that support and unfocused openness.
i felt this to be, paradoxically, my innermost center and also so spacious that its reach was body-less, beyond any boundary. of course my attention would occasionally concentrate on an object of thought, or even indulge for awhile in some mental fantasy about how i was going to invite the young homeless Burmese refugee who sat near me, who i know from the Cybrary, over for breakfast afterward (he already ate and showered and is okay, thank you) but then i would let go again and drop into unfocusedness. meditation felt good this morning. thankful for the beautiful, peaceful place and people who make the sits possible.
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today is pee in an orange-fluorescent-jug day. this urine test is the final that the Nurse Practitioner ordered...not even sure what she is testing. she was not the most communicative. i did get a letter yesterday that all my bloodwork came back within normal ranges...thyroid, cortisol, B12 (though 400 on a scale that goes to 900 something...so a bit low). my mom keeps worrying i have lyme disease though all the ticks i removed this season were the lone star tick, not a lyme disease carrier. i suppose i could get a blood test to rule it out. still feeling dizzy each time i stand up, pretty much...a sign of anemia, but still baffled why my hemoglobin read at 14.1 when i donated blood a month ago. i am eating more since my naturopath visit, and more iron in particular...hoping this helps. hair is still coming out...more than normal, not as significant clumps as before. such a Grandma Viola thing that i happened upon on a natural remedy site for hair loss--rubbing Vitamin E ointment on bald spots. so i did that last night...sticky! would love my hair to grow back in abundance, really i really enjoy my hair. and yet if it continues to fall out that is what will be and it will be an interesting experience from which, even if hair isn't growing, surely i will from all of it.
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today is pee in an orange-fluorescent-jug day. this urine test is the final that the Nurse Practitioner ordered...not even sure what she is testing. she was not the most communicative. i did get a letter yesterday that all my bloodwork came back within normal ranges...thyroid, cortisol, B12 (though 400 on a scale that goes to 900 something...so a bit low). my mom keeps worrying i have lyme disease though all the ticks i removed this season were the lone star tick, not a lyme disease carrier. i suppose i could get a blood test to rule it out. still feeling dizzy each time i stand up, pretty much...a sign of anemia, but still baffled why my hemoglobin read at 14.1 when i donated blood a month ago. i am eating more since my naturopath visit, and more iron in particular...hoping this helps. hair is still coming out...more than normal, not as significant clumps as before. such a Grandma Viola thing that i happened upon on a natural remedy site for hair loss--rubbing Vitamin E ointment on bald spots. so i did that last night...sticky! would love my hair to grow back in abundance, really i really enjoy my hair. and yet if it continues to fall out that is what will be and it will be an interesting experience from which, even if hair isn't growing, surely i will from all of it.
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